Celebrating Chicago: Where Criminals Will Soon Become “Justice-Impacted Individuals”

May 23, 2024

Rep. Kelly Cassidy, Sen. Robert Peters cosponsor bill redefining criminals

I don’t know about you, but I engaged in many criminal activities in my twenty years in Chicago. I once misgendered my pedicurist in Uptown (“she” was Thai, and I could not tell if I was getting the MassaMAN or Panang, if you know what I mean). I also Zoom-bombed a struggle session as a psy-op at my kid’s prep school during COVID (suggesting an “alternative” reading list of real black scholars — you know, those with 2X Ibram X. Kendi’s IQ — while spraying my hair blue and screaming “blame the Zionists” on the live stream to intentionally confuse the audience). And to this date, I still put ketchup on my vegan dog at Wrigley Field.

But it’s good to know that I’ll no longer be a “felon,” “convict,’ or “criminal” if Governor One-Way-U-Haul signs a bill just put on his desk — passed by both Illinois houses already — that will turn all of us neer-do-wells into “justice-impacted individuals.” Specifically, Bill 4409 amends the Illinois Crime Reduction Act of 2009, Section 20, as follows: “When justice-impacted individuals [emphasis added] offenders are accurately assessed for risk, assets, and needs, it is possible to identify which people should be sent to prison and which people can be effectively supervised in the locality. By providing financial incentives to counties or judicial circuits to create effective local-level evidence-based services, it is possible to reduce crime and recidivism at a lower cost to taxpayers, etc.”

Unlike many of you cops, racists, Islamophobes and MAGA members in the audience (by Chicago standards, that includes RFK supporters, too), I find this bill to be a wonderful idea, a gateway to ushering in an entirely new branch of the English language that will show the path to an intersectional utopia, where bad means good, and good means bad (as it should be). In short: “Justice-impacted individuals” represents one small step for cisman, and one giant step for cismankind.

To prove my point, Grammarly (an AI-based proofreading tool) also recommended I support the bill when I wrote this essay in Google Docs (we genuinely have people with the highest moral integrity generating the next version of AI these days, don’t we):

Just consider how this bill could be the start of erasing and rewriting the English Language to reflect and celebrate restorative justice, with each “victim” being described as follows based on the “required” action they had to take to overcome white supremacy and racism:

Carjack: "Unplanned Vehicle Redistributor" (UVR)

Murder: "Permanent Conflict Resolver" (PCR)

Assault: "Personal Space Violator" (PSV)

Rape: "Non-Consensual Intimacy Exchanger" (NCIE)

Theft: "Unilateral Asset Reallocator" (UAR)

Kidnap: "Involuntary Relocation Specialist" (IRS)

Arson: "Unplanned Property Renovator" (UPR)

Jew: “Very Bad Oppressive White Person” (VBOWP)

Close your eyes now and imagine a safe space where every "justice-impacted individual" finds their way back to the community (no bail required anymore!) as a “Permanent Conflict Resolver” or “Unilateral Asset Reallocator.” Just think of the networking opportunities at the next office happy hour for that second-chance worker, as no longer would we cringe at his “Carjacking” conviction but rather marvel at his skills as an “Unplanned Vehicle Redistributor.” Heck, even a place where we could call a Jew what every Ivy League president and ethnic and gender studies professor — heck, half the Democratic Party — really thinks of them.

George Orwell got at this in his prophetically uplifting book 1984, in which he showed us how we, as social justice advocates and DEI allies, could aspire to change the world: “The purpose of Newspeak was not only to provide a medium of expression… but to make all other modes of thought impossible. It was intended that when Newspeak had been adopted once and for all and Oldspeak forgotten, a heretical thought … should be literally unthinkable, at least so far as thought is dependent on words."

I know what you’re thinking that words are just words. But this is more than that. With a bit of creative accounting and the help of the Federal Reserve Bank of Chicago, we could, in fact, also reduce official unemployment in the city by reclassifying criminal charges and convictions as new employee job classifications, helping drive full employment in the region (with state and federal subsidies for these new jobholders). Perhaps this was even in Future WEF/BLM/CCP Economic Nobel Laureate Mayor Brandon Johnson’s job program plans for our “silly youth,” as he once described the little buggers. And the icing on the cake (chocolate only, please, because vanilla is racist): It even fits with President Biden’s new “racially based tax” plan. 

As I rest my argument, let me encourage you to embrace this bill and its potential to bring not just equity and restorative justice to America but the entire world, from my truth to your truth, and, above all, from the river to the sea.


J.D. Busch is a satirist and political humorist. 

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