Chicago Mayor Starrin’ in “Barbershop Equity” the Sequel!

June 7, 2024

$20K to buy a barbershop? Sheesh, I spent $30K on my stylists alone last year

From the Desk of Fake Brandon

Mayor’s pricey hair and makeup: In one year, Brandon Johnson's campaign has spent $30K on grooming. Johnson is “mayor 24-7,” a spokesman says. “Appearances matter.” Most of his spending went to a South Side makeup artist, and a West Side barber shop was paid $4,000.”

Ladies and gentlemen, we face many challenges, but we also have tremendous opportunities. We must address the systemic inequalities that have plagued our city for far too long. This means investing in education, healthcare, queering (white grooming), barber shops (black grooming), and blaxploitation cinema in Chicago.

Tim Story has always been a hero of mine. His portrayal of barbershop owner Calvin Palmer, played by Ice Cube in the 2002 film, tells a Southside story of equity, fades, and caesars. Feel me?

This is why I’m thrilled to announce that I’ll be starring in Barbershop Equity, the latest sequel!

I am imminently qualified for this role, having spent $30K on my various stylists, including AJ Styles Barber & Beauty, in the past year. Incidentally, Chicago Teachers Union head, Stacey David Gates, frequents the same establishment!

In fact, Stace introduced me to it (in between shuffling back and forth to pick up her kid from private school).

Boo has taught me everything I know — it’s the least I can do to pay it back with interest to the CTU and bring the next installment of Barbershop to my West Side.

Here’s what my agent is pitching (100 percent fiction, of course!), starring yours truly alongside Dave Chapelle.

In "Barbershop Equity" Chicago Mayor Brandon Johnson is on the set (playing himself!), navigating a city and a barbershop embroiled in an uproar of social issues. But his barbershop, previously a beacon of community culture, becomes a hotbed (literally!) of intersectional shenanigans.

Inside, the barbers and clientele trade snarky commentary on everything from trans tourism, “spaying and neutering white people to make the guv'nor rich!”, to the latest anti-racism initiatives involving Chicago procurement supplier diversity pass-through entities, which “some large, white and hairy FBI agents are secretly investigating under RICO violations”, but the real plot line here is that the special agent in charge is seen after hours on Halsted St. in Boystown as a “Bear.” 

Meanwhile, the twerking competition hosted by the mayor’s cousin to raise money for LGBTQ+ Pride turns into a full-blown scandal, after the opening land acknowledgment statement honoring Louis Farrakhan and his tribe. Then, a video goes viral, showing CTU members joining in the frenzy, with some getting way too close and personal with the barbers. And amidst the glitter and gyrations, they accidentally expose some “Blaxican” antics between two actors who happen to look like Stacey David Gates and Carlos Ramirez Rosa, all the while members of Nation of Islam leaders start chanting for the beheading of those responsible for the “zionist debauchery.”  

Image Source: ChatGBT and Chicago Contrarian Bad Photoshop

But the real bombshell drops when a city hall sex scandal explodes, involving a rival DSA politician caught in a compromising position during a diversity workshop. 

The workshop, intended to teach sensitivity and inclusion, devolves into a steamy session when the politician is found in the supply closet, tangled in a Palestinian flag covered in whipped cream and Jew blood, with the DEI consultant, two femme queens from the local ball scene and Dean Butt Plug from Francis Parker, making a special appearance! 

The scandalous footage, complete with the politician's attempts at "inclusive bonding," quickly leaks, turning the workshop into the talk of the town, just as someone looking like former Mayor Lori Lightfoot makes a guest appearance, showing up to the Cook County Court House in a wife-beater to take the stand to defend herself against wife beating. 

Dave Chappelle narrates with his signature irreverence:

"Mayor Johnson thought he could juggle city hall and his barbershop, but between 'inclusive' backroom antics, academic freak shows, and twerking teachers blowing off more than steam, he's got more X-rated drama than a late-night cable special. And just when you thought it couldn't get wilder, that diversity workshop turned into a diversity 'work-it,' proving some people just can't keep their hands off policy... or each other."

The final scene fades to, what, else, black, with Mayor Brandon Johnson quoting a line from the first installment of Barbershop: “There’s no money in this. If I wanted to work for free, I’d become a teacher.”

The Chicago Contrarian would like to take a moment to remind readers that parody and satire are Jew tools perpetuating white oppressor, settler colonialism.

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