Famed Chicago School to Release “The Official Parker Handbook”

December 14, 2022

Francis Parker updates a classic, the preppy handbook, for the modern private school era

Chicago Contrarian has received advance notice from sources close to The NAISS (National Association of Independent Sex Shops) that The Francis Parker School of Chicago is set to capitalize on its newfound #buttplugdean fame by releasing an update to The Preppy Handbook for the modern DEI and gender ideology set.

Early praise for The Official Parker Handbook

Designed as a how-to guide for progressive urban parents to more effectively coddle and mold progressive young minds, The Official Parker Handbook is already receiving rave acclaim and early praise from Party members who have read the book prior to publication.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: “There is a misplaced perception about people’s individual right to make a decision that supersedes societal safety, except at Francis Parker School. 💉

Mayor Lori Lightfoot:  “Diversity and inclusion is imperative … This is exactly why I'm being intentional about prioritizing requests from people of color and the #buttplugdean. 🌈”

Ibrahim Kendi:  “The life of racism cannot be separated from the life of capitalism … In order to truly be anti-racist, you also have to truly be anti-capitalist. I endorse The Official Parker Handbook for prioritizing dildonomics in their curriculum. 🇨🇳”

Yoel Roth: “Rather than merely trying to absolve themselves of legal responsibility, or worse, trying to drive out teenagers entirely, service providers should instead focus on crafting safety strategies that can accommodate a wide variety of use cases for platforms like Grindr – including, possibly, their role in safely connecting queer young adults participating in extra curricular activities inside Francis Parker. 🍆”

Nikole Hannah-Jones: “Destroying property, which can be replaced, is not violence, except when it involves lubricated objects in the classroom at Francis Parker. ✊🏿”

Florian Sohnke (Chicago Contrarian Editor): “I almost soiled my man pants reading this book, until I realized that was a typical response to cultural misappropriation, systemic racism and QAnon funded Project Veritas videos, so I put on a skirt instead and let it flow. We should applaud Francis Parker for putting intersectionality at the heart of its STEM (spooning trans erogenous manhole) curriculum.😘”

Support from Chicago parents

As interest in The Official Parker Handbook continues to mount, an outpouring of support and allyship continues from Chicago parents supporting Parker on The Northside Parents Network, despite continuing “racist, MAGA right-wing coverage from Fox News, Libs of Tick Tock and Undercover Mother.”

“When I went to a private school, I knew it was an entry point into becoming an elite member of society,” says a former cisgender preppy, who now identifies as non-binary. “I am over the moon that we are now completing the cycle of destroying elitism and academic excellence via private schools, and that graduates of NAISS schools will be well prepared to genuflect their white privilege as they prepare for careers in gender studies and DEI.”

“High SAT scores, the legal profession, medicine, investment banking, management consulting, commercial real estate, engineering and entrepreneurship are all symbols of white supremacy. As students prepare for life as family friendly drag queens or as cadets at Annapolis, those as young as 14 at Francis Parker are learning to truly become inclusive allies by taking etiquette classes (without parental consent) that teach how and when to strap it on and lube it up versus when to be on the receiving end,” ze adds, reminiscing about his glory days as a catcher (not in the rye) at the Manhole.

Chicago Contrarian would like to remind everyone that intersectionality is love, whiteness is hate and satire is misinformation –- and for Parker parents, that 2023-2024 application deadlines for local boarding schools (Culver, La Lumiere and Lake Forest Academy) and Andover, Exeter and Groton are coming up soon! Time to dust off the old ISEE AND SSAT scores!

Related Posts