Mayor Johnson’s “Transfemicide State of Emergency:” Because What Chicago Really Needs Is Cheaper LGBTQ Porn and Free Subarus

According to a recent Chicago Sun-Times investigation, murders of transgender women in the city have a dismal clearance rate of just 14 percent against a national average above 50 percent (never mind the fact that the “N” is 1-2 per year in the Windy City). Mayor Brandon Johnson, never one to let mere statistics dampen progressive urgency, responded by declaring a “Transfemicide State of Emergency” (you can’t make this up) and promising to center the voices of the affected community. Here’s how our satirical columnist sees this noble endeavor potentially playing out as he writes a memo from the Office of Mayor Brandon Johnson

The “transfemicide” epidemic in Chicago hits close to home. Recently, my close friends “Cinnamon” and “King” brought to my attention — you never know what goes on inside my six-car motorcade — that certain members of the Chicago trans community have been targeted in ways we only intended for Jews. 

Never mind that the trans “violence” facts don’t agree with the actual numbers (the trans community in Chicago on a per capita homicide basis is in line with the city’s overall baseline, and about 5X less than the per-capita murder rate in the Black community). Or that trans people are far more likely to commit violent acts (4-5X as likely), sexual offenses (10X+ as likely), or mass shooting crimes (e.g., 30-40 percent of recent school shooting events, representing over 100X their per capita representation)*. 

I identify as local GDP growth (and so does my T-Queen)

Trans-related activity is good for progressive business, as we know (these numbers are all sourced, mind you!)

My estimates show upper-bound figures for “gender affirming care tourism” in Chicago contributing ~$100MM in direct local healthcare GDP (and closer to $400MM if you add in broader hospitality, wages, and visitor spending). 

Already, according to my sources, as many as 50 percent or more “procedures” in Chicago involve non-local visitors. Think about how we could raise that. And don’t forget the hormone business, driving $25MM in annual regional revenue. The numbers people tell me the cumulative 10-year potential is over $1B in direct and related spending.

And within CPS, I estimate we have at least 40 positions dedicated to offices like Student Health and Wellness (OSHW) and Equity, specifically focused on LGBTQIA+ student support, policy development, training coordination, and program oversight, along with another 60+ FTEs in schools (and 10 FTEs for contracted training) professionals.

Moreover, the CTU represents 30,000+ members and has advocacy roles tied to contracts (LGBTQIA+ Safe Schools, culturally responsive teaching including LGBTQ+ content, sanctuary policies), which to me suggests at least 5-10 union staff/organizer/grievance roles or significant time allocation for bargaining, policy advocacy, and member training on these issues. 

In total, this gives us 150+ jobs or FTE equivalents supported or expanded by LGBT programming and related equity/SEL work. Over 10 years, this represents as much as $500MM in cumulative spending.

Tax breaks for adult content, crypto transfers, and Subarus (everyone else pays the vig!) 

To show we’re not just talking the talk, I’m proud to announce immediate tax relief exclusively for our trans community (because when the numbers don’t support the preferred narrative, you subsidize harder!) 

These breaks will be funded the usual way: By jacking up everyone else’s bills (note, these are all actual, real, new, or increased taxes – the only satirical part is the trans breaks): 

• Cloud/SaaS tax (the city’s glorious 15 percent Personal Property Lease Transaction Tax on cloud computing and SaaS) — fully rescinded for all qualifying trans digital services.
• Crypto transfer taxes (Illinois’ shiny new 0.2 percent digital asset tax) — waived for all trans community online porn payments and escort transfers. Everyone else wiring rent, child support, or groceries? Pay the full 0.2 percent like the suckers you are!
• Social media amusement tax (new: $0.50 per user per month over 100k) — LGBT platforms get the full exemption. The rest of you normies doomscrolling on Facebook or X get to subsidize the rainbow algorithm boost.
• Motor vehicle tax (~$151+ annual registration) — qualifying Subarus and pronoun-stickered vehicles are exempt. Everyone else? Pay up, bigot.
• Plastic shopping bag fees ($0.15 per bag) — waived for “trans brown bag” situations (poke holes, please — we’re not animals). Normal shoppers keep funding the equity tote bag industrial complex.
• Property tax increases (16.7 percent median spike; some hoods up 30-75 percent) — trans homeowners and renters get a full freeze + rollback + glory-hole drilling abatements. The rest of Chicago? Bend over for another 18 percent hike.

We’ll throw in a few more tax breaks as needed – maybe a special “voice training” utility discount and a “tucking underwear” sales tax holiday – because equity and personal pronouns don’t come cheap, especially when the body count refuses to cooperate.

Look, governing Chicago has always been about priorities: Ignore the blood on the streets, crank up the grift, kick out the Zionists, and make sure the last productive schmuck footing the bill feels real good about it. 

Lori Lightfoot used to bark at people in her furry outfit (wait, that was real!) like a pissed-off bulldog in a pantsuit. I’m just lubing up the same machine with rainbow schmutz and calling it healthcare.

By the time we’re done, the only thing getting affirmed around here will be the bankruptcy filing. Along with a few more taxpayer-funded bottom surgeries and a citywide shortage of lube. 

The departing U-Haul caravans will be flying tiny trans flags in ironic tribute while the rest of us suckers wave goodbye with our empty wallets, fresh bullet holes, and whatever’s left of our dignity after getting raw-dogged by another round of equity taxes and rainbow grift.

Stay safe out there, folks. And remember: Just like me, you can identify as anything you please. My personal pronouns are Xanself/Axself (after all, if Chicago can identify as solvent, I don’t see why I can’t identify as happy).

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Chicago Contrarian would like to remind you that satire is a form of white supremacy.

* Footnotes

1. Chicago trans homicide victimization rates are comparable to the citywide average (~15–20 per 100k in recent years) and significantly lower than Black community rates in Chicago (often 5x+ higher overall per capita, with Black residents comprising the large majority of victims in city homicide data). Sources include local crime statistics and prior analyses of small-sample trans victim counts (typically 0–2 annually in Chicago).
2. Prison data (UK MoJ/FOI): Trans women (biological males) show ~50–62% sex offense convictions vs. ~17 percent general males (~4x) and ~3 percent females (~20x). Dhejne Swedish cohort: Post-transition individuals retain male-typical violent crime patterns (4–6x higher than female controls). Mass/school shootings: Trans-identified perpetrators in a notable fraction of recent high-profile U.S. school/public rampages (e.g., Nashville 2023, Minneapolis 2025), representing disproportionate share (20–40 percent in narrow samples of major events) relative to ~0.5–1 percent population (tens to 100x+ per capita in those subsets). Data from prison reports, Dhejne 2011, Violence Project/GVA trackers, and recent incident lists.