Chicago Mayor Issues a Flurry of 11th-Hour Campaign Promises

January 26, 2023

Save Lori!

From the desk of Fake Lori:

It’s not looking good.

Even Bad Chuy (who is a capitalist pig) is polling ahead.

Incidentally, Latinx men disgust me.

The nerve this guy thinks that they/them/there’s tamale is bigger than mine!

But I digress.

If I’m elected, I promise to enact the following by Mayoral degree:

  • To ban the use of White Paint in Chicago as Norway is considering (because, you know, it’s racist)
  • To hand out candy (this video is a classic) in every CPS classroom that makes posters in support of my campaign
  • To establish a joint venture with Lurie Children's and Planned Parenthood to open up a gender transition megacenter on Michigan Avenue
  • To never joke around about “my detail’” with Amy
  • To never tell a Supreme Court justice to “F*** off” again
  • To modify my press interview policy to allow anyone who self identifies as a victim of oppression (e.g., black, brown or LGBTQIA+, etc.) to ask questions 

Finally, let me remind you not to believe any polls that show Vallas and Chuy beating me.

My truth, my poll! 

The Mayor’s Department of Satire reminds you to vote early and often for Lori and that any polls conducted by the media or other campaigns are misinformation.

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