Chicago Mayor Issues a Flurry of 11th-Hour Campaign Promises
From the desk of Fake Lori:
It’s not looking good.
Incidentally, Latinx men disgust me.
The nerve this guy thinks that they/them/there’s tamale is bigger than mine!
But I digress.
If I’m elected, I promise to enact the following by Mayoral degree:
- To make it a capital offense to play Aretha Franklin’s transphobic Natural Woman within city limits
- To ban the use of White Paint in Chicago as Norway is considering (because, you know, it’s racist)
- To provide Lori-branded nerf guns to every tamale vendor to protect themselves and fight off crime
- To hand out candy (this video is a classic) in every CPS classroom that makes posters in support of my campaign
- To establish a joint venture with Lurie Children's and Planned Parenthood to open up a gender transition megacenter on Michigan Avenue
- To require every member of CPD to ask for a suspect’s pronouns during questioning following on a similar program at CPS (while hiding pronouns from parents)
- To never joke around about “my detail’” with Amy
- To never tell a Supreme Court justice to “F*** off” again
- To invite my good friends from Antifa (in Atlanta) to plan a mostly peaceful visit to Chicago
- To provide a special prize to the most polite car jackers in our city
- To provide a property tax abatement for neighborhood private security details on the North Side
- To modify my press interview policy to allow anyone who self identifies as a victim of oppression (e.g., black, brown or LGBTQIA+, etc.) to ask questions
- To spur economic activity by creating small format casinos in every ward
- To insure a social worker, DEI professional and restorative justice counselor accompany every sworn officer during a shots fired call
- To declare it a requirement that the CTU strike every mayoral term so I can claim victory for ending it
- To spend over $350MM and take more than ten years on the next O’Hare People Mover renovation
Finally, let me remind you not to believe any polls that show Vallas and Chuy beating me.
The Mayor’s Department of Satire reminds you to vote early and often for Lori and that any polls conducted by the media or other campaigns are misinformation.