Chicago Mayor's New Antiracist Magic 8 Ball Points Fingers at the Haters

November 10, 2021

Chicago Wokeness: Shaken, not stirred

From the Desk of Lori:

The elections last week really got me thinking about how white supremacists took Virginia's gubernatorial race, the need for equity in Chicago, and how we need greater clarity around our positions.

So borrowing from Abe C. Carter and inspired by his clairvoyant mother, I created my own "Magic 8 Ball" that better reflects the times and my truth.

You can ask it any question and it gives you a response!

It has several appropriate answers including: White supremacy, racism, equity, cultural misappropriation, gaslighting, lived experiences, misinformation, and Fox News.

Shake it up and give it a try!

"What is responsible for the 2,000+ cases of aggravated vehicular hijacking expected in Chicago and Cook County in 2021?"

Fox News

"What is wrong with the phrase “carjacking?"


"What practical skills are Chicago’s teenage vehicular hijackers getting?"

Lived Experiences

"What do parents think is driving the Critical Race Theory curriculum taught in CPS?"

Fox News

"Why did 10,000 kids leave the CPS system last year with an even greater forecast drop this year?"


"Why is White Privilege the primary educational theme at Loyola, Latin, Parker, Lab, Bernard Zell and Saint Ignatius?"

Cultural Misappropriation

"Why did The Party lose the election in Virginia?"

Lived Experiences

"Why are the Bears moving to Arlington Heights?"


"What is to blame for rising crime on the Northside?"


"Why is the CPD fighting my vaccine mandate?"


"Why is Kim Foxx blaming the judges for Chicago’s rising crime?"

White Supremacy

"Why is there so much backlash about George Soros funding Kim Foxx?"


This is just a sample of Lori’s Antiracist Magic 8 Ball’s intersectional responses.

And lest I forget:

  • The Party told me to program Lori’s Anti-racist Magic 8 Ball to return “White Supremacy” and “Racism” 50 percent of the time when asked about anything pertaining to crime in Chicago or CPS statistics  
  • Lori’s Antiracist Magic 8 Ball is a shortcut to reading The New York Times, The Chicago Tribune or the Sun-Times or tuning into MSNBC or CNN (or as I prefer, the COVID News Network) when it comes to blaming anything that is going wrong with our glorious revolution 
  • The CTU has agreed to pass out my Magic 8 Ball to all students on Indigenous People’s Day as well as Vaccination Awareness Day so that our students may contemplate the value of a vaccine and skip another day of learning

George warned Kim there might not be any more contributions in the next election cycle and this may be progressivism’s “last shake.” Hence, some are expecting my balls to fade quickly. So turn ‘em upside down and query ‘em while you can!

Or at least until Lori’s Ouiji board comes out…

Magic 8 Ball Image Source: Chicago Contrarian (as with Chicago’s cars, please redistribute forcefully!)

The Mayor's Office would like to remind everyone that free speech and satire are forms of misinformation and white supremacy.

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