Chicago's Francis W. Parker School to Launch 2023 “Butt Plugs Matter” Annual Campaign

December 19, 2022

NAISS and NAMBLA to partner with “progressive” school in Chicago

The Francis Parker School of Chicago is jerkin' its gherkin to announce the theme of its 2023 Annual Giving Campaign: Butt Plugs Matter (BPM).

Funds from the annual campaign will focus on driving anti-racism and equity – and lowkey buying some real estate for use in extracurricular activities as well as renting out furnished condos to adult entertainment production companies on Airbnb in Chicago.

In recent weeks, the outpouring of support for Dean Bruno from the Francis Parker school community has proved overwhelming after he bragged about bringing age-appropriate dildos, butt plugs and lube into the classroom at the NAIS (National Association of Independent Schools) People of Color Conference.

It started with drag queens and dildos

Drag queen cookie hour for tots and butt plugs and dildos for those 14 and up started as a pilot program at Francis Parker to enable faculty and students to fight systemic cis hetero-normalcy with objects and lubricants normally found in the back of Halsted Street bars.

But now, with some real girth behind it, Butt Plugs Matter is set to become the theme of the school’s annual giving campaign. And the entire affair is pulling together the school community and helping to lionize Dean Bruno.

“Even though defending the indefensible may seem strange, insuring the progressive narrative remains intact at Francis Parker by sticking up for our beloved #buttplugdean is far more important than arresting anyone for breaking State or Federal laws,” says “Sven," whispering through a Glory Hole in the back of Sidetrack, a bar on Halsted Street.

As he moans in anti-racist ecstasy, Sven adds:

“Even more exciting is how the National Association of Independent Sex Shops (NAISS) and the North American Man Boy Love Association (NAMBLA) are partnering with Jimmy and Francis Parker on this grooming – a mean giving – initiative going forward.”

Boner levels established

Donors will be known as boners for this annual campaign (since giving is a form of white supremacy). Boners who give $69 (“Pup and Handler” donor level) to the campaign will receive a book: The Official Parker Handbook

Boners who give $69 and donate a 4-oz tube of Astrolube (“Uncle and Nephew” donor level) to the 8th grade will get a free yard sign put up in front of their Ravenswood, Lincoln park, Lakeview and Gold Coast homes to augment or replace similar existing ones:

Image Source: Chicago Contrarian

Cisgender male parents who give $69, voted Republican and who are willing to spend an hour locked in a room with Bruno to decolonize heteronormativity (“Baby and Parent” donor level) will receive free tuition in perpetuity and an autographed portrait of The Dean.

Image Source: DALL-E

After straightening his hair, Sven adds:

“Even though Francis Parker is going to raise a fortune from the community’s support for Butt Plugs Matter to support its 22 LGBTQIA+ and racial minority affinity groups, Jimmy told me he’s bummed he won’t get to spend a weekend in a cell with new friends to try out some of the classroom gear.”

As part of its satirical giving initiatives, Chicago Contrarian is excited to announce it is donating age appropriate vinyl desk and floor covers to Room 101 at the Francis Parker School.

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