First Chicago, We Get The Money

May 19, 2023

My truth is your truth

From the Desk of Fake Brandon

I want to work with you. All the people.

To get what is ours.

Ask yourself: What’s my benefit?

That’s why we played the black national anthem during my inauguration replete with a BLM fist salute (not joking).

But first, we need to fund your benefit.

We need to get the money!

You’ve heard some excellent proposals already from my close allies in City Hall: Head taxes for businesses, income taxes for those making $100K+ per year (exempting CTU employees, of course), wealth taxes, financial transaction taxes, luxury apartment vacancy fees, etc.

The list goes on. $12 billion of new money in fact!

But here are some of the double-secret probation equity taxes and equitable tax breaks that my allies who published the original list are holding close to the chest (binders and all) for now.

Cistax – Cisgender male persons who are not members of a BIPOC group will be subject to a $1 a day tax for breathing Chicago air (we have to put up with you after all).

Stolen Car Recovery Tax – We continue to see equitable car redistribution in Chicago and restorative justice (e.g., misdemeanor charges after crashing a stolen car that kills an infant) thanks to the great work of my departing bestie Kim Foxx. But with runaway car theft in Chicago in 2023 (12,193 cars stolen as of May 18th compared with 9,639 this time last year) we need to do something to capitalize on the situation. Henceforth, we will implement a Stolen Car Recovery Tax in which owners of all recovered calls will be required to pay 20 percent of the value of the car to the city to reclaim their recovered vehicle.

Equity Poll Tax – Voting in Chicago will now require paying a poll tax if you identify as a white cisgender male/female and make in excess of $75K per year.

Minor Attracted Persons Tax – While we cannot formally condone adult-children relationships like some states just yet (Pritzker is working on it), in Chicago we’ll agree to turn the other way in exchange for any $69 donation given by “Minor Attracted Persons” to any card-carrying CTU member.

Shoplifting Reparations Tithe – Like many of you, I’m thrilled with the continuing equitable redistribution of retail property from The Loop, Mag Mile and Streeterville. But to my brothers and sisters, I say: Share the love. Please consider a 10 percent donation of redistributed property (equity tithing) to City Hall. Low key LV or Gucci much appreciated.

Real Estate Bath Tax – Any property on the Northside that is sold which has declined more than 20 percent in value since its last purchase (or appraisal) will be charged an additional 5 percent Real Estate Bath Tax to make up for future lost tax receipts from lower appraisals.

Non Gender Affirmation Elective Surgery Tax – All elective surgeries in the city except gender affirmation surgeries (which children age 14 or over in Illinois can legally now get without parental consent paid for with third-party funding) will face a 20 percent tax.

Private School Tax – To encourage gender transitions with our children requires carrots and sticks. We are years off in getting to our target 10-percent rate with CPS (black and Hispanic families are the holdouts). But private schools are another matter thanks to all the great work by Francis Parker’s Dean Buttplug and The National Association of Independent Schools (NAIS). Rich white people love this stuff! Keep it up – stop reproducing! However, if gender transitions fall below 10 percent for graduating classes or if less than 20 percent of private school classes are not on hormone therapy by the age of 12, we will institute a 50 percent school privilege tuition tax to encourage compliance.

Red Line Reparations Tax Break – Anyone getting on the Red Line who can exit the train at any station with more than they entered with will be given a free ride provided it was a “good kill” (i.e., equitable redistribution of property vs. black on black theft).

Homeless Relocation Services Rebate – To encourage the relocation of homeless from the Southside and Westside to the Northside, we will give a free buck knife and a $100 Binny’s gift certificate to all those who comply (free Uber Black premium service and tents provided as well!)

Please contact the Mayor’s office (or comment below) if you have any other equitable suggestions that benefit the whole city.

Let’s Go Brandon!

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