Knives Out Chicago!

August 2, 2021

Sharpening the narrative on crime

From the Desk of Lori:

The polling data from the marketing arm of The Party is back. Gun violence is the number one factor keeping people from visiting Chicago. Kim tells me that anti-equity propaganda sites including HeyJackass are further contributing to gun violence fear. But nowhere in The Party’s survey* of potential victims (i.e., tourists) did a single person cite a fear of being stabbed.

* N (sample size) = 1619

This gives me a rather clever idea. People have this image in their minds of Chicago – firearms. But no one thinks of knives. So the marketing arm of The Party has proposed a simple solution: brand Chicago as the knife capital of the nation.

I have codenamed this the Chicago Cut Program (CCP).

Kim tells me this will redirect attention from the equity-driven “catch and release” program we implemented with those poor BIPOC kids who carry Glocks for self-defense against the police. Until we get them all back on the streets … where they belong, and where they can vote for me!

As part of this initiative, we’re looking at the following marketing tactics to launch this citywide rebranding effort:

  • Introduce a Chicago steak knife that all restaurants will adopt by 2022 (I've provided Remington's with extra security in exchange for slicing first!) 
  • Naming the 2022 LGBTQIAPK (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer, Intersex, Asexual, Pansexual/Polyamorous, and Kink) summer music festival: Lanceapalooza  

  • Having an Instagram contest for couples to carve lovebird initials into trees (Amy and I have left a recent trail throughout the Northside to get ahead of the haters spreading rumors)
  • Showing peaceful uses of blades such as opening packages (Amazon has agreed to fund this initiative with a new Prime giveaway) 
  • Highlighting manufacturing innovation with the 1871 crew to showcase the cutting edge technology coming out of Chicago (and the fact you can still take the Brown and Purple Lines – the Red is already lost, alas – to work without getting stabbed)
  • The importance of a good shave – with a new CTU-backed, city-funded hormone therapy program for CPS planned for this fall to encourage dysmorphic girls to “play for the other team” (parental permission not required!), we expect to see more people with facial hair that needs whacking away
  • Having a citywide pumpkin carving competition this fall. I just love this one!

Knives will change the narrative! Someone commented last month on the racist pages of Chicago Contrarian that there were 400 shootings in the nation on a recent weekend and 100 of them occurred in Chicago. We must move quickly here before I lose the narrative and my constituency to gun violence (although with Illinois voter registration rules – thanks Pritzy! –  the latter might not be a problem).

On that note, I need to fill you in on something even more exciting than my Chicago knife rebrand alone. In truth, CCP will provide the ultimate cover before the TOP SECRET plan that the Feds and I have been talking about since we baited those crazies to riot in DC gets implemented. To wit, in 2022, on May Day, to coincide with the timing of when the Party makes Kamala its General Secretary, we will be announcing the first Federalized police department in the nation, in Chicago!!!!

I’ve been talking to our future Premier about this for months as part of the Great Chicago reset. Kim, you're a genius for engineering it! Seriously, your whole crime wave strategy is making sense to me now. Flippin' brilliant! Make things so bad that The Party rolls in.

But back to tourism (for now). To show your support until tanks parade down Michigan Avenue and to prevent White Supremacists from staying at the W and furthering yet another heterosexual union, Knives Out Chicago!

EVEN THOUGH YOU DO NOT COME TO THE OFFICE ANYMORE, you can use Twitter (@LoriLightfoot) to support this razor focused initiative. And be sure to tag @ChicagoContrar1 as well if you like satire Lori Lightfoot style!


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