Stinky Politics: Free Gas Becomes Centerpiece of Chicago’s Mayoral Race

May 3, 2022

Fake Lori goes to school on Willie Wilson’s gas programs on the South and West Sides

From the desk of Fake Lori:

Willie Wilson doesn’t have anything on me in terms of inches.

But I respect the man for his gas giveaway. I mean come on. The guy’s a  fu***** genius.

Even before old stinky is running for mayor, he’s targeting my voting block with free gas giveaways.

But faster than you can say "new inpatient gender transition surgery centers in Chicago Public Schools" I got his number.

That’s right. Old Willie’s got to use his millions to get the vote out.

But not me.

I got the City Council (voting 15-12 in committee) to give away $12 million in free gas cards and transit passes with my name on it.

My name’s on the card in bold. And I’m giving away 4 times what Willie donated. But my "gift" is entirely funded from taxpayers in a razor targeted manner to tip the election with my people (who won’t even have to wait in line). That’s right: 75 percent of my truth gas cards will go to “mobility hardship zones on the South and West sides.”

That’s right. F*** you Willie. I ain’t paying for s***.

This is big and bold.

I figure this will be at least 200K votes for me. Half of which will come from the families benefiting from the $150 prepaid gas credit cards. And the rest from the $50 prepaid transit cards.

There’s some additional fine print with my gas giveaway:

  • Only gas stations with gender neutral bathrooms will qualify to participate
  • Those awaiting felony murder, homicide, rape or aggravated assault trials that can prove they’re on Tom Dart’s electronic monitoring program get to jump the queue for the cards (hint: just take a selfie with the ankle bracelet taken off and upload that to the card lottery site).
  • I’ve carved out a special giveaway for those who can prove they're topping off a carjacked vehicle that came from Lincoln Park, Lakeview or Gold Coast. All you need to do is show your 30 round clip and fully automatic switch for your Glock (which allows you to more efficiently redistribute wealth from the North Side) to the friendly attendant to get an extra gallon
  • Those showing up at the station with Burberry scarves and Birkin handbags without a receipt from the Michigan Avenue store also get a special “equity spot” at the front of the line
  • Teens coming downtown on the Red Line to flashmob Millennium Park will get a second free transit card if they can prove their participation in my officially sanctioned after school activities (as long as they sign up to vote before heading home — no ID required)
  • CTU members and those with more than six vax booster shots may qualify for a second card. Just show one form of identification that shows your allegiance to the Party at City Hall 

See? I got all the angles and every possible voting block covered.

But don’t tell my people who mentrate (formerly women) fan people on the Northside — you know, those that live to reeducate others by preaching the gospel of white supremacy, intersectionality, anti-racism and critical race theory — about the gas taxes they will continue to pay to fill up their hybrid Volvos.

According to the Illinois Policy Institute, it costs nearly $15 in state and Chicago taxes for them to fill up their white privilege family trucksters.  

Image source: Illinois Policy Institute


Finally, my bestie Kim Foxx can get pumped as much as she wants (and George Soros and his operatives can fill up for free as long as Kim and I keep getting that soft money).

The Mayor’s Office would like to remind you that satire is incongruous with my Two Spirit lived experiences.

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