Chicago First In Nation to Announce Equitable Incarceration Mandate

November 29, 2021

Defined jail population ratios to dismantle systemic racism

From the Desk of Lori

With the support of Governor Pritzker and the financial backing of George Soros, Chicago is thrilled to announce the first equitable incarceration mandate in the nation. This is a formalization of a program that has already been in place for sometime in our windy city thanks to the great work of my frenemy, Kim Foxx, as we collaborate to end white supremacy and racism.

The crux of the program is that by the end of 2022, those who identify as BIPOC will be guaranteed equitable incarceration (i.e., jail time in proportion to their makeup in the general Chicago population).

This goal to end systemic penal racism will be accomplished at all costs. But there’s much work to do.

Thanks to Hey Jackass, we know that as of Nov. 15, roughly 80 percent (67) of identified assailants in 2021 Chicago homicides are black, 15 percent (13) are Hispanic and 5 percent (4) are white*. Now contrast this with Chicago's general population demographics in which 29 percent is black, 17.3 percent Hispanic and 33.5 percent white.

* Thanks to my extensive funding of the police, we don’t know anything about the assailant in 82% (580) of cases!

Houston, we have a problem!

By my calculations, for my equity incarceration program to work (assuming a conviction ratio which is similar by race and if we take homicides as a proxy for broader incarceration), we are going to need a heck of a lot fewer black prisoners in proportion to incarcerated whites. If my math is correct, we’ll need to tip the black-white incarceration ratio by 500 percent to achieve equity as part of this new diversity and inclusion program as we work together to dismantle systematic racism.

Fortunately, my guardian angel, Kim, will keep helping me on that latter pesky issue by not charging minority suspects in Cook County unless their crime makes CWB or Pritzy’s office calls my red party line phone. While it pains me in these exceptions, we gotta make an example once in a while, I suppose.

Besides Pritzy’s and Kim’s continued support, what else can we do to achieve this? I suggest the following immediate steps:

  • Doubling down on electronic monitoring (it’s working!) Thank you Tom Dart
  • Progressive bond reform. Based on your race, we are going to announce a new tiered bond pricing structure until no-cash bail is finally implemented in January of 2023! Incidentally, Pritzy is pushing forward an amendment to the Pre-Trial Fairness Act (HB3653) such that no cash bail will only apply to members of the BIPOC community, a step that will further fuel incarceration equity 
  • “Minority Reporting”: We will apply artificial intelligence in probable felony cases. If the algorithm suggests a BIPOC person was likely to have committed the crime. detectives will be told to stand down in the spirit of equity 
  • Amtrak vacation tours: Repeat BIPOC felons will be given the choice of jail time or a first class ticket across the country on the Joe Biden express (Amtrak) to Seattle, Portland or San Francisco. We are also providing them a list of stores which will welcome equitable five finger discounts in these areas.
  • Mandatory pro-bono defense services for all Chicago trial lawyers that have ever used the words “equity,” “privilege,” or “BLM” in social media or on their front lawn  
  • Juneteenth Freedom day. To commemorate the end of slavery, on Juneteenth we will release 1,000 BIPOC prisoners every year
  • Docent job packages at the Art Institute for convicted BIPOC felons to improve our job placement outcomes and to achieve equity in the arts

Of course the elephant in the room here is that the sum of these actions will not remotely be enough to achieve equitable incarceration ratios.

Taking a bite out of thought crime or “acts of privilege”

The bottom line is we need to get more white folk in jail. Kim and I have been working on this one too. Early suggestions include mandatory felony charges for all non-Hispanic Caucasians engaged in the following acts of privilege:

  • Failing to share their pronouns at the start of any business or government meeting within city limits
  • Those who have not formally admitted their white privilege  
  • Engaging in hate speech. Specifically, anyone speaking out against CRT will henceforth be considered a domestic terrorist in Chicago. Merick Garland is my wingman on this one! 
  • Violating my Speech Free Zones including use of the words “integrated” or “colorblind”
  • Any LVMH executive who threatens to close a store on the Mag Mile or Oak Street 
  • Any Northside resident who uses the phrase “looting” to describe equitable retail wealth redistribution 
  • Anyone who describes an act of a black person driving into a white crowd in Waukesha as a hate crime  
  • Anyone who does not believe that Kyle Rittenhouse is a white supremacist 
  • Not wearing a mask outdoors
  • Any unvaxxed individual including those fully recovered from COVID-19 (note: in Chicago you are unvaxxed unless you are fully vaxxed, which now means 17 boosters). Equity principles dictate that BIPOC people are exempt from the vax requirement, however
  • Public criticism of any re-education practitioners in schools or the 1619 Project in CPS 
  • Anyone on the Board or search committee at Latin who would recommend a non-minority or LGBTQIA+ candidate as Head of School (Chicago Contrarian would like to provide 50:1 odds to anyone who believes that a white, cis-gender heterosexual male will be the next school head and 1000:1 odds if they are a registered Republican) 
  • Any Northside resident who is considering buying an armored Volvo or hiring private security

Beyond prosecuting white-perpetrated thought crime, as a final step to further encourage equitable incarceration ratios, I’m thrilled to announce we are partnering with my favorite theme park company, Disney, to provide equity-centered vacations to Northside parents, who will have the chance to spend long weekends at Cook County Jail. 

United and Delta airlines are my travel partners, and Coke is the official drink. CNN and MSNBC argued over which network could provide sponsorship dollars to fund Meagan Markle’s official role as spokesperson, but I had to go with the mostly peaceful news source in the end. And finally, I want to raise my fist high in the air for Trojan, who will be providing cell-appropriate merch in the spirit of climatic equity. 

The Mayor’s Office would like to remind you that Acts of Privilege on the Northside are now prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

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