Vote for Lori: Welcoming Texas Border Crossing Sanctuary Voters to Chicago

September 6, 2022

Si Se, Puede!

From the desk of Fake Lori:

“Texas Governor Greg Abbott is without any shame or humanity … ever since he put these racist practices of expulsion in place, we have been working with our community partners to ready the city to receive these individuals.” – Lori Lightfoot

I’d personally like to thank Governor Abbott for bussing dozens of voters to Chicago just in time for the November election.

Blockclub Chicago (my campaign media arm) covered the story perfectly.

To help these Dreamers settle more comfortably, I’d like to personally offer some advice for those that want to stay without any trouble: 

  • Forget your national identity as Mexican, Venezuelan or Guatemalan. You are now officially Latinx, a member of the oppressed “brown” or BIPOC community. This means when you vote in November (no ID required!) you must pull the Democratic lever for Lori, otherwise you could be deported
  • Please don’t join the Latin Kings, La Raza Nation or another Latinx support group until after the election (even if you can still vote as a criminal in Illinois, the optics might look bad para mi)
  • There are no Hispanic options in Chicago for Mayor; let me remind you that Alderman Lopez is a maricón gringo so no voten por él!
  • Rice and beans are not your only source of gas in Chicago. We offer free gas cards for votes if you meet certain demographic criteria that could help me at the polls
  • Many of you fled violence in your own country. Good news: You will be right at home in Chicago!
  • If you would like to try the American pastime of camping, there are some lovely spots and nearly 40 free tent cities (and growing!) throughout Chicago. Start in the viaducts under Lake Shore Drive on the North Side if you want to capitalize on white privilege handouts from my primary donors
  • You are welcome to spread your wings anywhere in the city except within a two-block radius of 3434 W. Wrightwood Ave or you’ll be bumping up against my personal police detail which represents one percent of the CPD (and if you get too close, you might even bump into el jefe zirself...)
  • Zirself … what? You will soon be asked for your pronouns (it can only help your intersectional identity victim score, sort of a social credit system to maximize handouts). But let’s start with pronoun basics: Your children will automatically be promoted to the next grade level in Chicago Public Schools if they can recite their pronouns during the year; pronoun fluidity may even earn an intersectional scholarship to the Latin School. Get started on pronouns and hormone therapy early to complement your Latinx victim group status to maximize your chances! 
  • We have a teacher shortage in Chicago and I would encourage any qualified candidates to apply. The Chicago Teachers Union (CTU) welcomes any and all Latinx migrants — Cubans need not apply (as we wouldn’t want the children to know what actual communism looks like). And sorry we missed you during our last CTU field trip to Venezuela
  • There are nearly 1,100 active cases of Monkeypox in Illinois. We have no idea how it spreads or who contracts it since that would be racist and homophobic to speculate. But don’t eat any bush meat (either the caloric or the intersectional kind) or visit any of Tom Tunney’s favorite spots on Halsted if you want to avoid boils the size of a burrito

 And remember: Vote early and vote often for Lori this November!

The Mayor’s Office would like to remind you that satire is racist, homophobic and a threat to gender reassignment tourism in Chicago.

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